Discipline and YOU

You know how some words make you cringe?  One that has made me duck my head and brace my shoulders is “discipline.”  Which is kind of funny because I’m very self-motivated and will always get done what needs doing, but...like most people, there are things I just can’t seem to lean into for the long-term.  Anyone who has started a wellness habit they couldn’t maintain can relate! 

But after a recent stay at a Benedictine monastery, a gift of experience from and with my oldest daughter, I’ve been reconsidering my relationship to discipline. In the monastery, the monks commit to a discipline of spiritual focus through a balance of prayer, physical and intellectual work, frequent liturgical prayer and deep hospitality. I was so inspired by their focus and the resulting peace that surrounded them and the whole place that I began a practice there several weeks ago that was deeply sustaining. Since then I’ve been exploring my own ways to determine what I can do to support maintaining it. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned:

Explore your motivation!
If what you’re aiming for doesn’t align with your core values and what you really care about, it’s a fair bet that it will fall by the wayside.  Would I love to have tone arms that look great in a tank top? Sure.  But more than aesthetics, what I really care about is being physically comfortable in my body and being able to do what I care about doing.  Looking at what is actually important to us personally helps us figure out what we’ll prioritize. 

Words Matter
Once you know what you care about, you can decide on whether what you’re working on is something you want to make a daily habit toward a short-term goal, and something that’s a deep, long-term change that reflects who you are, your identity. An interesting approach is to think about the words you use. First of all, acknowledge that whatever you do is a choice—vs an obligation.  Even a discipline must start with the choice to practice consistency. 
So own your power!  “Today I chose to rest” is different than, “I’m a sloth.”  It acknowledges that these were choices that can be different. 

The other cool word trick is to use your values to form an identity.  This can start with the words we use.  Here’s a power move. Verbs are what we do. Nouns (and many of our adjectives) are who we are.  Here’s the difference. “I meditate” tells yourself what you do (sometimes?!). “I am a meditator” identifies a permanent identity.  And the cool thing is, our brain loves to align our actions with our identity. (This is also why labels can be so dangerous, so choose carefully!). When a chosen noun is your identity, it seems more out of character when you skip something vs. just a missed “chore.” It makes your practice part of who you are rather than just one more thing to do. When you believe that you’re an honest person, it’s uncomfortable telling a lie!  And when you know yourself as a loving partner, you’re more likely to find ways to be a better partner—to listen, to adapt, to act in ways that support the partnership.

Things Change and So Will You
The beautiful thing about choosing to build an identity is that the habits and practices behind it are constantly evolving.  For instance, I’ve been a deeply spiritual person for a long time, longer than I can consciously identify. But the ways in which that manifests have changed along the way as my experiences, circumstances and understanding have changed.  The identity hasn’t changed. I’m still spiritually connected to Source. But now the verbs have changed.  I meditate.  I maintain quiet to listen for at least half an hour almost every morning before launching into the day. I care for myself beautifully so that my physical, mental and emotional loads don’t interfere with my grounding in Spirit. Do you see how that one identification informs the verbs, the doing of my life? 

Did my spiritual practice always look just like this?  Absolutely not!  When I had small children there was zero chance that I had a consistent, quiet half hour to myself every morning before the day launched. At that time, my practices revolved more around yoga that I put into my calendar diligently and really, really appreciating the wonder of my children as much as I could in the chaos of childrearing.  I could have beaten myself up for what I didn’t do (meditate daily, for instance) or I could institute what was possible for me at the time.  In retrospect, I see that my actions changed over time in support of what was core to me.

We are all a work in progress, until we die!  But we get to choose to embrace the journey compassionately and evolve consciously. 

So here’s a challenge: Be gentle with yourself-- but explore who you want to be and go there, be that.  Know that the “how” may change, but when your identity forms a roadmap, the path to the “who” you are flows more graciously.   

Who are you?
I am a generous people-lover.
I am a teacher and healer.
I am a wonderful friend.
I am…fill in your blanks!

You can embrace the discipline of self-study and informed action as part of nurturing who you are and who you want to be.  Rather than a burden, discipline becomes a critical tool for empowerment.  If the word still bothers you, think of “practice.”  Choose practices that support your values and see how you unfold.